My first inkling that I was pregnant was actually a really strange one, I had a dream that I had taken a pregnancy test that was positive, I woke that morning and just instantly knew that it was true and I took a test that morning and there it was, a big fat positive (maybe I'm psychic?). The fact that I felt like I just knew before really finding out kind of softened the blow and I really didn't feel all that shocked or surprised, I always knew that I wanted a family in my 20's so right away I was thrilled at the news. Although I was happy with my news there are always factors to consider I think for most couples who find out they are expecting, especially with me and my partner as we found out a few months before completing our third and final year of our degree courses, even though we would be finished by the time the baby came along we both realized that it meant putting things on hold. For a start I wouldn't be able to work, for a while at least and it put pressure on my partner to work harder to provide for us which was hard to take as I hate feeling as if I'm relying on someone as well as missing out on earning my own money. It also made it harder to consider home options so we moved in with my partners parents where there was plenty of space and we were very welcome, it's been amazing having the chance to live in such a family based environment but it's also hard not to feel sad about not having your space to make your own. As hard as it can be the main thing is that we are happy and stable, the careers an the home can be worked on for now we focus on family.
The first trimester of my pregnancy to me felt like an eternity, I spent most of my time fretting about whether my baby was ok in there and wishing the days away to my scans so I could finally see and feel that it was actually real. Even after having had my first and second scan it still didn't quite feel real to me and I sort of plodded along with the motions, I was very lucky and only had some nausea for a few weeks until it disappeared and I never really suffered too bad with any issues. I think the first time it starts to dawn on you is when you feel your baby move, the first few times are like little pops, like popcorn cooking in your belly until you start to get stronger more certain movements and it's the most wonderful and surreal feeling you can have, I used to love to sit and watch my belly move with little wave like motions or little jumps, it's one of the things I miss most about being pregnant along with my big round bump.
Another big moment for me was when I made the decision to formula feed instead of breastfeed like I had been so desperate to do, I still feel ridden with guilt to this day and I so wish I had the strength to persevere with it but having said that I'm happy with how it worked out and I feel if I had forced myself to do it I wouldn't have been as happy as I am now. We struggled with latching on from the start Willow wasn't getting the hang of it so after several attempts and being man handled and pulled and squeezed my midwives, I hand expressed and fed with a tiny syringe for her first night, it was the next day with my partner that we decided to bottle feed as I had been worried she wasn't getting enough milk and as guilty as I feel I am glad I made that decision, it made it easier to share the load and it freed me up in that I didn't feel I was cooped up breastfeeding constantly as I wouldn't have had the confidence to feed publicly much. I fully congratulate any breastfeeding mums who worked through it and also those who made the tough decision like me, either way it's not easy but you have to decide what is best for you, happy mummy = happy baby!
I had always believed that I was destine to be a mum that I would take to it like a duck to water and I did to a certain extent but I wasn't prepared for the negative emotions I would experience. For a start I found myself really mourning the loss of the life me and my partner had before, we were no longer free to do as we pleased, there was always Willow to consider first and I really struggled with that, I also expected that I would be the type of parent who hated to leave her baby with anyone but when it came to it I was glad of the free time away from it all for a short while and enjoyed spending time just me and my partner. That all said I would never change being a mum for the world, I've never been so in love and seeing a man become a father is the most wonderful experience it made me fall in love all over again, I wanted to share my experience so that other mums know that it is perfectly ok to have these feelings, it's all part of the process but overall it's a magical life changing one that you just can not prepare for.
If anyone has any questions feel free to post a comment and I will reply.